The Velominati, the Keepers of the Cog. They are the curators of The Rules, an evolving text concerning Cyclists sent down by the cycling Gods for us mere mortals to read, digest, follow and laugh at. A secretive organisation found on the interweb by visiting www.velominati.com.
At the heart of the tome is the need to Look Fantastic when on a bike. Because to Look Fantastic is to Go Fast. The reverse does not apply. Occasionally a follower will make a suggestion that a Cogal be performed, a day long ride whereby the Velominati who only know each other as internet handles can actually meet up and, er, ride. A date and route is selected by a random follower (normally a minimum of 130km), and then the wondering starts – who will turn up?
An announcement was made – April 9th, a tour around the Chiltern Hills and a designated coffee house at Gerrards Cross for the obligatory pre-ride espresso. Finally I could attend a Cogal. The previous UK based ones (Scotland, Shropshire and Surrey) couldn’t be but for this one I was good to go. A promise of a Casually Deliberate ride (23/24 kmn/h on the flats), some small hills in the Chilterns, and a route of ‘only’ 107km – what could go wrong?
Eight riders met at the appointed café, and immediately I relaxed – I wasn’t the only one who doesn’t shave my legs which is in direct contravention of Rule 33. I was also in the minority in having the decreed coffee. Though thankfully I didn’t hear the dreaded words ‘skinny latte’. We are not barbarians, after all.
Put a bunch of Velominati together coming out of winter and 23/24km/h is simply, how can I put it, too slow. My bike computer only worked intermittentl, but when it did it kept showing 28, 30 and more (on the flats!). Surely some mistake? Small hills? To be fair ChrisO, Greg and Ephraim went up them as though they were mere speed bumps to be negotiated. For me, however, it was a case of head down, work hard, and see what happens.
What happened is that midway through the ride and halfway up the longest uphill of the day I missed a turning, and promptly lost the group. I was far enough behind the “grimpeurs” that I didn’t see them make the turn, and far enough in front of the “I climb well for my weight” group that they didn’t see me go straight on. They had GPS to guide them.
When I realised at the next major junction that I was alone I headed back down the hill. A third of the way down I reached a cross road with yet another steep climb off it that I felt sure had to be the route – after all, that had been the theme of the day. “At all junctions pick the one with the steepest incline” could have been the route instructions. Mobile phones were invented for cyclists, to allow them to regroup. So a quick call later I met up with ChrisO, and promptly wheel-sucked him back to the rest as a) I was shagged after the extra up and down hilling and b) he’s a monster on a bike.
Another highlight of the day was getting a speed wobble on probably the steepest descent. It was interesting. The gravelly lane was a car width wide, pot-holed, wet and greasy. The vibrations from the handlebars meant I could barely see anything, which didn’t help me in trying to figure out how to scrub speed without hitting anything or locking. I’m so glad the car that came up the hill did so after I’d managed to halt still upright.
Bikes were a great mix of ultra-light all carbon affairs to a beautiful steel Peugeot. Rule violations? Sure, some, but you know what? The spirit of the rules was there in abundance. Would I do another Cogal?
Hell yeah!! Apart from anything else, it was easily the quickest group ride I'd ever done.
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